Grizzly

What am I supposed to do with all of this newspaper?

I keep getting the impression that my friends back home are floating farther and farther away into some careless universe they've created in their heads. So damn spiritual about nothing. Can't you feel the knife?

I slept through ballet this morning and have been walking around campus in the same clothes I slept in from 10:45-4:00. I can only keep doing this if I wake up on time, you know? Limitations are good.

Pluto gang

I feel like I'm the messiest girl in every room I enter today. 

Got a bad case of de curses and just drapin' 247.

I'm having fun in college.

LOL!

Do you wake up in the middle of the night because of your asthma?

Waves.

I wish I could bake cookies. I've decided that I am going to spend more money on food from now on. Also, I want to get organized. 

I think I'm going to try harder too.

I like the free days with no expectations.

Just graduating and shit.

Yellow lights mean slow down, not speed up.

It's funny. I just can't wrap myself around the concept of being completely and utterly oblivious. I mean these are miniscule examples, but it's things like these that sometimes just get to me. This girl sits next to me on the bus, but we are separated by a plastic barrier. Still, the entire ride she kept digging her elbow into my arm. I kept moving it, maybe in an attempt to hint that yeah, you're both hurting and bothering me, but she didn't notice or care. Today, I'm riding the bus home and someone is blasting opera and the entire bus can hear it. First of all, probably 1 out of 15 people actually enjoy opera and second of all I would think that they would keep the volume down a little so nobody overhears it. WHINE WHINE WHINE. I know.

I've been checking my email literally every 5 minutes. You know who should really be doing her job. Especially today. It's a big day. I got my yellow chip, but I plan on blowing it.

I'm in one of those moods where I don't feel like doing anything and anything I do do has a negative kind of feel to it. 

You think you have it figured out with all those witty sayings.

I keep hearing the same thing on repeat.

Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.

I guess that makes sense because this feels like pulling teeth.

You keep talking about temptation: That you can't have just one.

I'm still that person and I'm still an alcoholic.

I'm and alcoholic and my problem is me.

Stark raving. Stark raving to leave.

You keep putting your feet in shoes too small.

Fake it and it will come true?

We all know that doesn't really work.

Just too tired.

All this time awaiting night

At its end awaits a trial.

FIN?

Today is supposed to be it. 

I don't believe in anything so you might as well forget about me.

Fuck seniority. Seriously, you're not good. I remember it being this way as a freshman in high school as well. I wish things were based on raw talent sometimes.

I can't see farther than my own nose at this moment.

But in all honesty, talk about something else. Fuck.

OH, and I took two.

Camera Obscura all day everyday. FTW.

and I want to walk around with you

Missing you all already.

I had a wonderful weekend. I got to see all of my good friends from Davie minus the Venezuelans and Mr. Wolman. We celebrated Eric's birthday, I watched them smoke, and we went to this beautiful nature trail called the Devil's Millhopper. There is a sinkhole there that I've decided I want to spend all of my days at. Now, it's not what you would normally think of when you hear the word sinkhole. It's this area surrounded by waterfalls and trees and is enclosed by the closest things that Florida has to mountains. Peaceful as fuck. Gainesville is shaping up to be a pretty nice place to be. I guess you just have to be with the right people in order to truly enjoy yourself somewhere.

I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm actually enjoying school, have met some great new people, and have this average boy... I would feel entirely too lame to insert a winky smiley face here. Just so you know.

My six month DC adventure is slowly coming to a close (thank God). I'm supposed to graduate on Thursday and took what is supposed to be my last test today. AA is becoming ridiculously old and unfortunately routine. Nothing there even shocks me anymore. I guess I can chalk it up as yet another interesting and informative life lesson. The other night some homeless man asked me to accompany him one day for some coffee. I found out last night that he is indeed homeless. Correct me if I'm wrong, but clues: he has no car, was returning to the Salvation Army at 8:30 in the evening, and pretty much wears the same thing every time I see him. Also, he gives me lifesavers covered in dirt. Bless his little alcoholic heart.

You're perfect, just don't ask me how to spell things.

Woke up sucking a lemon

Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone hates you?

I know they don't, I just can't help but think I ruined relationships with two of my best friends. And it's not what you think. No one did anything wrong, really. Just felt.

I just woke up and I don't know what to think. I can't think right now. Suspension. I need someone to talk to. Someone I WANT to talk to. 

Seems like you had it right. Waiting is all that I know.

1 day and it didn't last. It didn't fucking last. Who would have thought? I fell asleep waiting for a friend to call (turns out she didn't because someone was breaking her finger) and woke up to my two roommates talking in the kitchen. Luckily enough, the topic of me came up. It was a good day for it too. Nothing bad was said either. One of my roommates said that she can relate with my feelings towards Gainesville, that she hates it too. And then the both of them agreed: "She hates everything. Everything." They justified this statement by saying (in so many words) that my negative outlook is deserving because of how bad my luck is. I don't know how I feel about that. My old roommates said the same thing: "I don't know anyone who hates everything as much as you do." Of course, this was all endearing, but I didn't know that people really do pick up on my cynicism. 

Burn the maps

I'm happy? I'm happy.

We'll see how long it lasts.

On another note, AA is getting to me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Edit: I was speaking to an older man during one of my 30 minute breaks between meetings. We had spoken before and he had even given me a glance at some of his poetry. My dancing came up and he began telling me of all the old dancer friends he had. He told me that one had become a teacher; she didn't have the body for ballet. The older man then added that they were lovers. He then looked at me and said, "She used to stand in the kitchen washing dishes and I would come up behind her and stick it in." And that is all he said.

So cheap and juicy

Hey remember that time when it hurt to walk?

Hey remember that time when I had to spend any and every bit of free time at the triangle club?

Only two weeks thank goodness. I mean spending 5 hours with old ex alcoholic men is cool and all, but it won't pain me too much to see them go. Sick of the big book.

I can't see my floor!

This place was built for moving out

Back again and already unhappy. I'm falling back into my old ways.

Why can't we live together? Did I screw that up to?

Why am I missing you already? It's your fault.

Tomorrow morning begins in 4 hours. I hope I don't sleep through class.

There's a cat in my closet.

I can't be cute and I can't tell yet. 

...just standing here on this frozen lake.

I miss seeing Alanna everyday.